I find myself dancing between these two on a daily, even hourly basis. I am honest and truthful if in the morning I say, " I feel content and i love my life". And then later in the day say "I am frustrated and want to go on a date", but then later in the midnight hour I yell, "I'm tired of meeting men who are absolutely out of the question and I can't take it anymore and I want to be in a bubble. Better yet, send me to a nunnery". All of these are true and honest and real.
It's an interesting tension, a weird place to live sometimes.
The frustration of meeting a whole rack of men who have no potential is one i hesitate to express. Before moving to the DC area, i lived in Orlando where the options were severely limited. I couldn't pay someone to look at me and my crazy nappy hair ... unless I was around the island men. They were refreshing. But I couldn't stay in the West Indian grocery store all day everyday.
Generally, Orlando was a tough place. We could never find the professional black people. They were hiding and did not come out. Now that I'm in chocolate city, I haven't had too much trouble meeting people (people = men). Even as I write this, I'm sitting in the mecca of educated black folk', a restaurant called "Busboys and Poets" a name inspired by poet Langston Hughes. Yeah, real black and authentic. You like that, right? This is no Orlando. So I cannot complain.
But the reality is, it's still kind of rough for us Christian gals. Of the men I've met since I've been here, one was a Christian. And as much as I like meeting new people and want to go to professional networking functions, new chill spots, etc, I'm kind of unoptimistic at times. I don't want to say pessimistic, because I don't think it's that. I'm just not extra eager, like "ooooh wee, can't wait to check out those prospects". Why? Honestly, one of my issues is my...self awareness? I know what I'm looking for. I don't think it's much... but I know what it is, and I'm not keen on the idea of relenting, like "oh well, never mind. Come on brutha, you'll do" just because this type of guy is hard to find. I mean, are we Christian women expected to be generalists? Are we to just ensure someone meets the basic requirements, and then deal with whatever else we get? Bah humbug! I hate that idea. But it's rough out there when you actually want someone with specific qualities and attributes. And I'm not talking about height, shade of skin, occupation... no. I'm talking about core values. Whatever, I'm ranting now and you're losing interest.
But you know, underlying this and numerous other questions is a bigger issue: I really believe I didn't have nearly enough convos about this "stuff" before I turned like 27. There were some discussions, but I don't know that they were real and practical enough for me. What "stuff" am i referring to, you ask? I'm glad you inquired. Here are some of the hot topics floating the airwaves between myself and my buddy buddy friends:
Can someone help a sister know how she should actually live and make maximum use out of her unmarried days and years? We're always told by married women that we should take advantage of these times and the chance to serve the Lord without distraction, but not really coached through it. I feel strongly about this ... I agree that we should maximize every moment and want to encourage girls even younger than I to do the same, partly b/c I don't feel I had that myself. I had a girl say that looking at a few of the older unmarried women she knows made her feel there was no hope. I thought, oh nooo! she shouldn't feel that! I tried to reassure her, I do not feel hopeless at all, which is true. I love my life, I have wonderful friends, God has blessed me placing amazing people in my life, I have had so many opportunities to serve, travel, do ministry and just have a lot of fun. We need to live a full, active life in front of these girls. They need to see that. But what does it look like for us to embrace the beauty of this season, as hard as it can be at times? And how do we cope with the hard times? Fortunately, I've had the tough love of Elisabeth Eliot to coach me along from a distance, but I could use more practical, close by help.
How should a woman even approach the man search? I don't think we should be passive, but what does active, yet not pursuing and pushy look like, practically? Does that primarily involve preparing ourselves for marriage? Does it mean asking others to pray, or to keep their eyes open on our behalf? Or just remaining active, serving the Lord and keeping our own eyes open? Should we make sure to throw ourselves in the path of eligible Christian men and wear alluring, yet non-sensual perfume? (i'm kidding with that. What is non-sensual perfume? They all have sexy names and ads now. I feel like i'm sinning just by stopping by their counters in Macy's)
And another thing! Why should we want to get married? I'm talking from a real, Biblical perspective. It might sound odd, but I mean really, sometimes I think I just want to get married so I can get physical affection without any shame or guilt, without having to call my friends the next day to confess. Don't act like you don't know. And I don't necessarily think that's wrong. But marriage is more than touching. I find that my reasons for wanting to get married differ from other women and this has a huge impact on the kind of guy I feel like I must have. Some women just need a good Christian man who they can raise a family with, raise godly little babies, serve in their church, etc. But me and my overzealous self want to change the world with my man. I must add that raising godly babies and supporting your husband is a way to change the world. Absolutely. But i'm thinking about specific areas, specific social passions, a specific missional calling. So I end up turning down some good-behind men b/c they are not passionate about making an impact on the world in the way that I am. Does this sound crazy? I'm sorry. That's what it is, man. And I've always been this way. Aside from my specific preferences, my point is, how do we get down to why it is we want to get married or what the right reasons are and thus how we should select someone? Should we de-prioritize our specific "calling" or life mission and just focus on being with a godly man we can be a help to? Or do we look for someone who's mission is aligned with ours who we can help and be all the more effective with? A partner, as it were?
And... at times it seems that people act like we single women are just in unmarried purgatory. Like we're not in a real, significant season of life with some amazing contributions to make, like the most important next step in life is getting married. It's like they forget about I Cor 7. How can we deal with and prevent that? Is there a way we can live more intentionally, and be a resource to one another as we all endeavor to do the same, without being dishonest about wanting a man, without shutting off that part of ourselves, but not allowing our status to be diminished?
These are just some of my ramblings; honestly, the questions go on and on and it don't stop. I'm sure you have some to add. We are occupying a different space than many women from the generations before us. We have more education, opportunities, opinions, and ambitions. Times are not so simple, and thus our questions are many, so let's ask them. I'll probably still dance between contentment and frustration until Jesus comes back, but at least I'm not dancing alone.
