I find myself dancing between these two on a daily, even hourly basis. I am honest and truthful if in the morning I say, " I feel content and i love my life". And then later in the day say "I am frustrated and want to go on a date", but then later in the midnight hour I yell, "I'm tired of meeting men who are absolutely out of the question and I can't take it anymore and I want to be in a bubble. Better yet, send me to a nunnery". All of these are true and honest and real.
It's an interesting tension, a weird place to live sometimes.
The frustration of meeting a whole rack of men who have no potential is one i hesitate to express. Before moving to the DC area, i lived in Orlando where the options were severely limited. I couldn't pay someone to look at me and my crazy nappy hair ... unless I was around the island men. They were refreshing. But I couldn't stay in the West Indian grocery store all day everyday.
Generally, Orlando was a tough place. We could never find the professional black people. They were hiding and did not come out. Now that I'm in chocolate city, I haven't had too much trouble meeting people (people = men). Even as I write this, I'm sitting in the mecca of educated black folk', a restaurant called "Busboys and Poets" a name inspired by poet Langston Hughes. Yeah, real black and authentic. You like that, right? This is no Orlando. So I cannot complain.
But the reality is, it's still kind of rough for us Christian gals. Of the men I've met since I've been here, one was a Christian. And as much as I like meeting new people and want to go to professional networking functions, new chill spots, etc, I'm kind of unoptimistic at times. I don't want to say pessimistic, because I don't think it's that. I'm just not extra eager, like "ooooh wee, can't wait to check out those prospects". Why? Honestly, one of my issues is my...self awareness? I know what I'm looking for. I don't think it's much... but I know what it is, and I'm not keen on the idea of relenting, like "oh well, never mind. Come on brutha, you'll do" just because this type of guy is hard to find. I mean, are we Christian women expected to be generalists? Are we to just ensure someone meets the basic requirements, and then deal with whatever else we get? Bah humbug! I hate that idea. But it's rough out there when you actually want someone with specific qualities and attributes. And I'm not talking about height, shade of skin, occupation... no. I'm talking about core values. Whatever, I'm ranting now and you're losing interest.
But you know, underlying this and numerous other questions is a bigger issue: I really believe I didn't have nearly enough convos about this "stuff" before I turned like 27. There were some discussions, but I don't know that they were real and practical enough for me. What "stuff" am i referring to, you ask? I'm glad you inquired. Here are some of the hot topics floating the airwaves between myself and my buddy buddy friends:
Can someone help a sister know how she should actually live and make maximum use out of her unmarried days and years? We're always told by married women that we should take advantage of these times and the chance to serve the Lord without distraction, but not really coached through it. I feel strongly about this ... I agree that we should maximize every moment and want to encourage girls even younger than I to do the same, partly b/c I don't feel I had that myself. I had a girl say that looking at a few of the older unmarried women she knows made her feel there was no hope. I thought, oh nooo! she shouldn't feel that! I tried to reassure her, I do not feel hopeless at all, which is true. I love my life, I have wonderful friends, God has blessed me placing amazing people in my life, I have had so many opportunities to serve, travel, do ministry and just have a lot of fun. We need to live a full, active life in front of these girls. They need to see that. But what does it look like for us to embrace the beauty of this season, as hard as it can be at times? And how do we cope with the hard times? Fortunately, I've had the tough love of Elisabeth Eliot to coach me along from a distance, but I could use more practical, close by help.
How should a woman even approach the man search? I don't think we should be passive, but what does active, yet not pursuing and pushy look like, practically? Does that primarily involve preparing ourselves for marriage? Does it mean asking others to pray, or to keep their eyes open on our behalf? Or just remaining active, serving the Lord and keeping our own eyes open? Should we make sure to throw ourselves in the path of eligible Christian men and wear alluring, yet non-sensual perfume? (i'm kidding with that. What is non-sensual perfume? They all have sexy names and ads now. I feel like i'm sinning just by stopping by their counters in Macy's)
And another thing! Why should we want to get married? I'm talking from a real, Biblical perspective. It might sound odd, but I mean really, sometimes I think I just want to get married so I can get physical affection without any shame or guilt, without having to call my friends the next day to confess. Don't act like you don't know. And I don't necessarily think that's wrong. But marriage is more than touching. I find that my reasons for wanting to get married differ from other women and this has a huge impact on the kind of guy I feel like I must have. Some women just need a good Christian man who they can raise a family with, raise godly little babies, serve in their church, etc. But me and my overzealous self want to change the world with my man. I must add that raising godly babies and supporting your husband is a way to change the world. Absolutely. But i'm thinking about specific areas, specific social passions, a specific missional calling. So I end up turning down some good-behind men b/c they are not passionate about making an impact on the world in the way that I am. Does this sound crazy? I'm sorry. That's what it is, man. And I've always been this way. Aside from my specific preferences, my point is, how do we get down to why it is we want to get married or what the right reasons are and thus how we should select someone? Should we de-prioritize our specific "calling" or life mission and just focus on being with a godly man we can be a help to? Or do we look for someone who's mission is aligned with ours who we can help and be all the more effective with? A partner, as it were?
And... at times it seems that people act like we single women are just in unmarried purgatory. Like we're not in a real, significant season of life with some amazing contributions to make, like the most important next step in life is getting married. It's like they forget about I Cor 7. How can we deal with and prevent that? Is there a way we can live more intentionally, and be a resource to one another as we all endeavor to do the same, without being dishonest about wanting a man, without shutting off that part of ourselves, but not allowing our status to be diminished?
These are just some of my ramblings; honestly, the questions go on and on and it don't stop. I'm sure you have some to add. We are occupying a different space than many women from the generations before us. We have more education, opportunities, opinions, and ambitions. Times are not so simple, and thus our questions are many, so let's ask them. I'll probably still dance between contentment and frustration until Jesus comes back, but at least I'm not dancing alone.
9 comments:
Amen...I know that dance well. Fortunately, I spend 95% of my time two-steppin toward contentment. And oddly enough, much of my contentment comes from the pride I have knowing I have not settled. The fact that I am single has given me a lot of freedom to explore my specific calling, time I would not necessarily had have as a wife. But it is a bit troubling that I have been called close-minded as I too would want to be in a relationship with some one who shares my passions. Until I either meet that like-minded man, or completely re-align my priorities, I'll just keep on dancin. (Which is fun for me because I like to dance...whew hew!!!)
All I can say is Amen Sistah! (And I'm not even copying Omua's comments even though I glanced over and saw that's how she began her's too.) You put in writing what is constantly going on in my head. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy (or maybe we both are....lol). But I like the last line. We single ladies can take comfort in knowing that we don't have to go through this dance alone. Through it all, I have Jesus. Lynda
It's my belief that it takes as much spiritual fortitude to be successfully single as it does to be successfully married. There are advantages and disadvantages to both estates and challenges in each. I'm reminded of the verse that says "Godliness with contentment is great gain." Contentment does not mean we have no desires: desires to grow, desires to change, etc. It means that we trust God to work in us and for us in the state in which we find ourselves. It is knowing God's promise to meet all of our needs even though some of our wants seem to go unfulfilled. Sometimes frustration gives way to its ugly cousin compromise. Compromise is the enemy. I don't know about you, but I want God's best for me in every area of my life. Just some thoughts...
frustration's ugly cousin compromise! i like that. That's helpful. I'm so glad for the discussion we are having. More, more, more!
It seems that some ppl, particularly males, have misunderstood the thrust of what myself and other women have communicated via this blog or other conversations-- I don't fault them, but just want to make clear that we are not complaining about the lack of good men. That was by no means the point of this entry. I think if you're a man and you read this, you'll be eavesdropping on a conversation women often have, questions we often ask, frustrations we air, depending on the day. And it's a conversation i welcome you to join. It's by no means a criticism of men and it's also not a definitive statement of anything. Conversations aren't always tied up with a nice bow at the end; my thoughts don't always resolve; this entry is intended to be left open. The only tying together I can offer right now is what I said at the end: i'm grateful to have wonderful friends who "dance" along with me, and like lynda said, God is present working things out in and thru us. I am very much in process and love ppl to join me.I really love the responses, esp that of pastor sam, aka "wordsmith". I had to mention that b/c i don't want men to feel like i'm joining the chorus of "woe is me, there are good no men". That's not the point at all. no, no, no!
Sorry for eavesdropping :)
I came across your dialogue through my brother in arms the freestyle theologian. My thought was that if he's connected then I need to check it out. I have big respect for him.
When I saw that Lynda and Omua had dropped some comments, I had to do the same. God has allowed me to share ministry with them and they are most precious to me.
Some might find it interesting that a brother who has been married for 34 years would weigh in on the single conversation. Hey! I'm a teacher. I can't help myself!
I did not come away from our discourse thinking that either of you were complaining. My take was quite the opposite really.
Mo (I call her Mo) talks about being able to hone in on her calling. Lynda is two-steppin' with her Savior. You refer to this season of your life as being beautiful. All very insightful.
Often when we communicate our frustrations and the thought processes behind them we're going to be tagged complainers. Been there. In all matters I believe that communication is the key. Keep it going. Perseverance gives way to its lovely cousin: breakthrough.
Oh Ad-ri-a!
I love how your writing sounds just like I’m talking to you!
So, besides the fact that I find myself doing the frustration-contentment dance in other areas of life (mostly finances and self-image), all I have to say is that I feel you!
I had an interesting conversation with my boss the other day. She’s a Christian woman, mother of two, who is absolutely loving being single. In fact, she says that if she could do it again, she might have never gotten married, because God had called her to be single from the beginning. I could relate to her, but I can also relate to those frustration days…
She and I talked about is how staying on the contentment dance floor is so taboo (not just in the Christian culture, but society), and staying there too long (even if you want to) is an indication that our life is a failure and that we cannot reach our full potential as women (or just people). I had to think about that, and I think she’s right. I think about how many times I am truly content with my singleness and the things that are “occupying” me (school, work, family, friends, and life), then I realize “wait, I’m young, I’m SUPPOSE to be on lookout for my soul mate!”
Sometimes I actually find myself despising contentment, and questioning whether my priorities are in order…
I find that at some point I put married women who have achieved…marriage, careers, etc. on a pedestal as truly being the epitome of what life should look like (for submissive, gentle, god-fearing women?). The Word doesn’t say that, so where’d that even come from??
Oh, I am finding this entry so late. However, strangely, on time. Sis, I am praying for you. First I am praying that the Lord will continue to clarify his purpose for you and the many talents he has given you. I am also praying that the Lord will give you a heart equivalent to Paul's. I know that my Lord will give you satisfaction unparalleled by by our earthly realm. You are a powerful woman of God and I am truly excited to see how the Lord will use you.
On the other hand, i am praying for your mate. I want a man that lives with same zeal that you do. A man of great integrity that will drive you and your walk closer to God. I pray that he will be so anointed that his blessings will pour out over you and your heirs for generations. A man that you could develop an incredible friendship and bond with.
In the mean time, I pray that the Lord will give you an extra portion of patience & joy...PS you have friends you think I would like? Help a brother out...actually help YOUR brother out LOLOL
you're my sistafromanothamotha, adria. that's all i can say. i'm in the dance, too. and as old as this convo gets to me sometimes ("just keep living and enjoying," i say to myself, "life isn't about marriage") i keep finding myself having it.
and then i hear ignorant things like a brother told me once: "when you act too content being sngle, dudes look at you and say, 'oh, forget it; she's good'" ... isn't that crazy? as if during this time we're supposed to look miserable! lol! Lord, please keep the easily intimidated (and not-ashamed-of-it) dudes AWAY!
anyway, keep in mind that we exist to (1) know Him, (2) make Him known (through good works and spreading the Truth), (3) love Him with all our being, and (4) love our neighbor as ourself. all kinds of practical ways to live (regardless of marital status) come from that. and i admit, i haven't really touched on them as i should. my life is full enough (traveling, enjoying my career, local church stuff, having a good time) but i think i would seldom think of marriage if the "good works" and much more "making Him known" through discipleship were added in.
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